Weight is a big problem in car design. It ruins a car's handling, blunts performance, wrecks fuel economy and kills the planet thanks to higher CO2 emissions.
Car-makers are continuously looking for ways to cut the flab from their models. This is why supercars are made from carbon fibre and track-day specials eschew rear seats altogether in the pursuit of blistering performance.
Some cars however are fat and proud, and we've cobbled together a list of the ten weightiest motors on the market today. If any of the following cars were people, they'd have cankles and sweat profusely as they shovel an endless number of burgers into their swollen cake-holes with their pudgy sausage fingers. Read on...
1. Range Rover
Ah, the Range Rover. It might be the gold standard of luxury off-roaders and one of the most complete cars money can buy, but it's also a bit of a fatster, weighing in at an almighty 2810kg. To get round this, Land Rover has fitted the Rangey with a monstrous 4.4-litre diesel engine which churns out north of 300bhp. Think of the Range Rover then as a sumo wrestler: enormous, but powerful too.
2. Cadillac Escalade
As we all know, Americans aren't exactly known for their athleticism; and the Cadillac Escalade is as perfect a metaphor for the old U.S of A as anything we can think of. It's brash, vulgar, and ludicrously thirsty, and is probably only 4,000 miles away from losing one of its wheels to diabetes.
3. Toyota Land Cruiser
Toyota's legendary off-roader is a bit of a porker at 2,740kg. Toyotas are endlessly reliable, which is a good thing; if this thing broke down on you, you'd give yourself a hernia by pushing it to the side of the road.
4. Rolls-Royce Phantom
The Phantom is one of the most sublime cars ever made and as luxurious and comfortable as it is prestigious and, ahem, expensive. It's also evidently got a bit of a glandular problem, tipping the scales at an impressive 2,670kg. Our advice: lay off the pies.
5. VW California
VW's California actually weighs more than California itself at an impressive 2,610kg. Unlike the other cars here though, it has to make do with a 2.0-litre diesel engine. The Cali is the fat kid at a school sports day, waddling towards the finishing line three hours after the race has ended.
6. Range Rover Sport
The Range Rover's anorexic cousin. Okay, so anorexic might be a bit of a stretch but the RR Sport is over 200kg lighter than its bigger brother. Think Elvis Presley circa 1974 rather than Elvis Presley circa 1977.
7. Bentley Mulsanne
The question 'who ate all the pies?' was fully and comprehensively answered by Bentley when it introduced the Mulsanne. Unfortunately, the Mulsanne had not only eaten the pies but also a wedding cake, 25 lamb bhunas, 11 pints of Guinness, 2 pints of gravy and a mixed grill. As such it weighs an impressive 2585kg.
8. Land Rover Discovery
The Disco has an excuse for being such a lard-arse -- it has two chassis. Basically it has a standard monocoque body grafted onto a ladder chassis, which is a bit like a fat person sitting on another fat person. Because of this, the Discovery weighs 2,583kg.
9. Mercedes G-Class 55 AMG
The Mercedes G-Class has been with us for over thirty years so it's both fat and old, like John Prescott. Coincidentally, the G 55 AMG can do 0-62mph in 5.5 seconds, as can Mr Prescott when he hears somebody opening a box of Findus Crispy Pancakes.
10. Bentley Continental Flying Spur
The Continental Flying Spur is a huge mock-Georgian ode to the joys of excess. It's extremely powerful, sumptuously comfortable and tubbier than an OAP's cat, weighing 2,525kg.
